Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize