Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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