and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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