We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think my moral compass just broke
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
