i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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