either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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