So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
