So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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