so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
