Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
