My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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