You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
