I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize