Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
