She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
