like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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