Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
