I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize