Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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