I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
