jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize