At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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