guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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