She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
