morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
