I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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