When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
