Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
