I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
