Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
