my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
