I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
whose parrot is this?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
