i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
