You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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