Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
