Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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