a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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