I'm passing your future prison.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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