I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
