Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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