Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
