Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
