omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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