My liver just broke up with me...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
