just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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