Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
