My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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