I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
