I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize