Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We need to rekindle our bromance
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
