What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Someone signed my nipple.
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