I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize