im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize