Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
