You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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