I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
