Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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