So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
