Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
