Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
