i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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