i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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