ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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