We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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