Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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