well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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