Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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