my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
