a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize